You would then be obligated to maintain contact with your parents and family in whatever is feasible for you (in-person, phone, email, text, mail, sending gifts etc). Post was not sent - check your email addresses! But of course sometimes it can't be afforded. ( Log Out /  May Allah bless you and keep up your work with the best of intentions. Issues can arise even when just two people are living … The word نكح in Arabic, literally means: to overcome, intermingle with, infect, or become a part of  (taken from Edward William Lane’s online lexicon). I am now considering a divorce. Please see this link: http://islamqa.info/en/7653 – it has the quoted lines that you are asking for. Still my husband knows me and that I do not let people treat me like crap or talk down to me. Neither of us wants the other around after I am married lol. The grandchildren have no emotional closeness with their grandparents, whom they identify more as voices over the phone than as flesh-and-blood people. not because they can’t afford a place of their own, but because they love their parents and brothers too much and want to live with them. Her friends and the frequency of their visits also comes under the same principle. So after marriage I move out and get an apartment. The young, 27-year-old parent deserves to be obeyed by his or her child just as much as a 55-year-old parent deserves to be obeyed by his adult offspring. I won’t write further on this point as I respect you are more knowledgeable than I am on Islam but I would hope you use that knowledge to advise others to take the right course that ensures longstanding harmony – we should be positive and always hope for good relations despite our inherent human weaknesses. my husbands elder brother who lives in the same city comes to our house every weekend on wednesday evening and stays until saturday morning.he is a difficult person to get along with anyone including his very own family.he decides what we should eat etc.myself and my 3 daughters are confined to the bedroom and hubby and he sits out in the lounge.we are not able to do anything which we usually do on weekends like visiting friends or shopping etc as he is very embarrassing to be with. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life—with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement. No longer will you have the freedom to get out of bed and head to the kitchen in your underwear. You and your husband have the greatest rights upon your daughter, which supersede even those of the grandparents. I didn’t care above giving them money, all i wanted was to live my own life my way, it’s not that I wanted anything that would go against Islam (I have to enter my grave one day whether I like it or not) . There is a thing called tongue-in-cheek writing, or a hint of sarcasm, which a writer might use sometimes for a spot of humor. This is our responsibilty as a man i believe. My Mother inlaw keeps insisting on taking our daughter. Conclusion: the sister’s  article is correct because she is quoting fatwa’s that were given in response to certain questions, but not balanced because she presents only one point of view and makes it appear as if the joint family is un-Islamic per se, based on her own observations of people or experience. Introduction Marriage has been ordained by Allah as the correct and legal way to produce children and replenish the earth. Opinionated article…but thats what blogs are i guess , Has anyone considered what their Islamic RESPONSIBILITIES are rather than fighting for their RIGHTS. I feel that mostly ppl are so brain washed by our hindu culture that they are not admitting the guidance of Allah Their entire relationship and mutual closeness is dependent on how often they are excused by others in the household from being at another place, with someone else, to meet someone else’s needs instead of their spouse’s. Unlike commuter couples, people who choose living apart together just don't want to share a space. By just having the nikah done, most girls’ parents want to prevent an eligible man from seeking proposals elsewhere by becoming committed to their daughter legally, without letting him enjoy her and dictate the terms of the marital relationship. They should get married from their own money and support their new families.” — I advocate this 100% and in fact, I plan to raise my own son this way, insha’Allah. along with my wife and 2.5 years old daughter Now my parents say they have rights over my children and i dont bring my children to meet them. Please note that I am saying “private accommodation”; not a separate house! What a _____ girl!” In addition, the parents or others who are asked to help in a marital dispute, might go around spreading the problems between this husband and wife to others as gossip, and this maligns the honor/”izzah” of the couple for a long time to come (because people do not forget such “juicy” details of marital discord, rather, they enjoy hearing and spreading such stories). I have been told by a friend of mine how, when she lived abroad, she’d quietly go out to buy essential groceries which she was out of, whilst her toddler napped in the crib, all the while praying that her daughter wouldn’t wake up in her absence. But I cannot because my mother in law is against hiring maids and she is not cooperating at all. – I am an extremely non-confrontational and submissive-to-the-extreme person  by nature (not boasting..it’s not always a good thing)..so I did not go into marriage thinking of rights and duties and doing the math all the time, rather, I had seen my parents go through an unhappy marriage so my only concern was to build a happy home for my new family. We sometimes has our issues, but I never said anything I chose to be the bigger person and let it go, summing it up to be not worth it. No one would interfere and when people are all living together, it creates conflicts and … And second time my mother in law told me she cannot take care of me and I am ok with it. The hard part for them is not the fear that their adult offspring will not take care of them in their old age, but that they will no longer be telling their adult children what to do and how to do it, as they have for decades before. Three issues that are of core importance in Islam to the traditional joint family situation, but are severely undermined by them, need to be pointed out along with scholarly views, Insha’Allah. I was the son who used to massage their aching bodies at night from 10 years of age right upto 29 years of age, I used to obey their every command, every wish, defend them in front of other people, I used to give them advice, watch TV with them. Shaytan wants the marriage broken and its easier to give up and break. If there is something bothering his wife, she cannot talk to him about it openly unless they are lucky to be free from any other pressing, extended-family engagements, or have a rare, undisturbed moment with each other. Any time I have a cousin or adult suggest living at home, I rebuff them and explain that I may not be rich, but I am responsible, and therefore have no intention to subject my parents … Hi there Ms. Pallavi, Thanks for the A2A … I would say that, nothing is wrong in this world, provided there is a proper reason and context. And Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise. The husband would get her presents for her birthday, ask her out to dinner or movies or whatever and every time she would decline and reject these. Islam … But want to remark on soe general things, Thhe web site style iis wonderful, the articles is realky nice : D. MashaAllah Very nice article Sadaf, i appreciate you for your great effort towards Muslim marriage and Islam. But I would still like to share a bed, on weekends and times within the week when im not busy with my studies, once we are married. How Do I Lower My Gaze While Talking to Women? There was no intimacy at all. are greater than the restrictions. Every penny that is saved goes first towards financing the next trip back home. Nevertheless, do bear in mind that whatever I say is based purely on what you have told me viz. Most decide not to have another child after the first parenting experience leaves its harrowing marks on their psyche, and sadly, even on their bank balance. How and when you advise them, is up to you, based on your past experience and relationship with them. These vices gradually eat away at relationships just as rust eats away at metal. And yes, you’re right, may Allah make us among those parents whose children, decades later, take them as the correct Islamic role-models, instead of getting spurned off by their culture-endorsed domestic injustices. I lost a lot of respect for the writer of this article at this point: “Most older women do tend to believe that, if given too much leeway too soon, she will snatch their young “pot of gold” and disappear with him into the horizon, never to be seen again. I have the education and experience to make my self financially better. But never lose sight of the fact that she is in your family home because she is your wife. Daughter Married a Hindu Revert, What to do? Or are they using them to raise their children – the third generation of the family? You made the choice to go to Canada and make a good life with you and your wife and you have many advantages and even good relationship with your wife family. Mostly when they are concerned that the son is not earning enough its for his own sake, that he will not be able to do well in life, for his own self, rather than the fact that they will not be getting much out of him. But now they, including the wifes family, blame the husband for all of this, saying that it is because he did not take initiative to initiate intimacy. My parents paid my tuition fee just as they are doing for her. They have no one to serve or take care of, and perhaps no job to do to support a family, thus they have a lot of free time and “idleness” that allows them to think constantly about their children and grandchildren. Secondly, moving into his parents’ home will not solve the problem itself, rather, it might cause a whole new set of issues and challenges. So basically, the people who own the house, bring in the hefty salary, pay the bills, and provide accommodation to others in a household get to hold sway over the latter and decide how the household is run, including sleeping arrangements, meals, schedules of outings, etc. Hearing the good news, I thought it highly required to educate myself about the new role that we (we two old chaps) have to play in future socially, morally and religiously. Learn how your comment data is processed. but what 21 year old SIL. This applies even at night, when the cloak of darkness shrouds everything, because the Quran clearly orders even young children under the age of adolescence, to seek permission before entering upon their parents after the `isha prayer. Sorry my reply is not prompt! Once they are married, young people tend to continue their relationships with parents, cousins, and friends as if nothing has changed. As for your question, the request of your parents to meet their grandchild is a valid one. Having said that the same goes for my mother-in-law she has lost my respect because I see her acting in an UN-muslim way when I have given everything of myself to make her happy. So I would really likes to see how her daughter handles the same situation. 5) Were we supposed to vacate our own bedroom for her to reside so that she would not climb stairs? providing for their wives in an honorable and ample manner, and toiling for this purpose as much as they can. 149 As indicated by the above tradition, the concept of marriage in Islam is so sacred and valued, Wedding Night A°māl It is narrated from the Prophet (S): “The doors of Heaven to mercy will be opened in four situations: when it rains; when a child looks kindly at his parent’s face; when the door of the Ka°bah is opened; and when marriage (occurs).” A Bundle of Flowers, pg. Your arguments are well taken if you also advocate that the young boys (after completion of college education or even before) to move out of the house and start earning their own living. I moved to Canada 3 years after our engagement and live in Canada since then. Marriage is the only legal bond for man and woman relationship in the UAE. It’s not that I did not want a marriage, I just hated the control and hold my parents had over me. I mean really that sums up your attitude does it not? If I am the only son of my parents and they are old.If my wife says that the only condition she will live with is by providing her s separate home? Since brothers are related by blood , they can ignore each others’ shortcomings and make compromises but for the sisters in law who come from different backgrounds it becomes difficult to keep compromising on every little issue. Even beyond that stage, some grandparents are required to even pick and drop their grandchildren from school, if the parents are too busy with their careers. Finally, I would like to add here that the possibility of sihr (witchcraft) should not be ruled out. but a joint s’alah (parlor) — the wives stay hijabed in front of the husband’s brothers, the parents are well taken care of and not just visited occasionally and it’s beautiful to watch them — may Allah reward them. As salam alaikum.mashAllah very well written and completely in sync with reality.And really there’s no need for Saeed to lose respect for the pot-of-gold comment coz thats absolutely true for most elderly women who are insecure and lacking in trust in Allah. There are two houses on the same property, one big house, one small. However, in my experience, husbands are mostly too afraid to say anything to their parents, out of fear of the latter’s authority, or out of fear of Allah (which, in their understanding of Deen, equates everything they might say to “complain” to, or to try to rectify the behavior of, their parents, as a big “uff”, even if the parents are young, healthy, active and are oppressing their daughters in law), and this results in the daughter-in-law being dominated and made (coerced) to do work or live a life that is not of her choosing. I am however big on morals and respect and standing up for ones self, as I was raised in America and brought up this way even by my Muslim father. I am grateful to Allah that a married man has commented here and admitted that it is the adult son (and daughter too), and not the son’s wife, who is actually obliged to serve and take care of his elderly parents. )i want to avoid him .i dont want him staying in my house on weekends even if my husband is at home as we find ourselves sacrificing our personal life because of him.its okay if he just visits and goes.he will be working here for one year or for life.that means endless suffering for us .till he keeps staying on weekends. Yes, the answers to all your questions are in the negative. Any love that I showed to her was taken advantage of and any anger at the manipulation was used too blame me. Jazak Allah khair for your comment, Pervez Sahib. My mother had a ‘disease’, she was a control freak and wanted everyone around her subjected to her designs, she did this very cleverly using people to gain advantage, when the time was right I was her best friend (to manipulate my elder brother, at other times she used to conive with my elder brother to manipulate me). There are several factors regarding the fiqh or Islamic jurisprudence of nikah that a newly married Muslim couple needs to bear in mind when they embark on their matrimonial journey. Just as a favorite garment becomes softer and more comfortable over time, a spouse becomes the single, solid, supporting rock to which one clings during life’s intermittent upheavals and ‘storms’. Living With In-Laws After Marriage ... Obeying Parents after Marriage - Mufti Menk - Duration: ... Let daughter in laws live separately - Ask Mufti Menk - Duration: 4:13. “He (the husband) does not have the right to force his wife to work for them (in-laws) in the house or to eat and drink with them. It takes a lot of inner strength to go against this because the alternative is being cut off from family, that’s what it takes to reclain your life from this toxic environment. Insha’Allah if I write another marriage-based post in the future, I will stress this point even more. When I go for shower i lock my kids in my room so they dont disturb their grandparents. Otherwise, advocate the concept of reciprocity in relations. Living with your parents will strip you of your space and privacy, and that can be a psychological burden, especially if you are used to living alone. Sisters, brothers, parents all separated and even living in different continents with our respective spouses (this is of course a big exception to normal stable Islamic countries, but still heart breaking). get divorce and then what about my kids. We have a two story house with me living in the upper portion n mom in law lower portion. They also do not experience the emotional detachment felt by grandchildren growing up in another country or foreign culture. Naturally we have drifted off in our own worlds and after another major argument with the family, I’ve decided to leave. jazakallah. So my advice to this sister is to leave if she does not have kids, unless her husband shows willingness to establish a MARRIAGE with her. Also do not believe people who tell you your prospects for marriage will decrease. I am not going to follow someone who is committing haram even if it is my parents. You see, married life entails taking on the prescribed Shari’ roles and responsibilities. rules which can be bend if their own daughter is involved. My Allah reward you for this Ameen. For example, if your mom or dad is a single parent, she or he may no longer have anyone at home to lean on and may feel terribly alone. You should not be the cause of a split between him and them. I take all frustration and anger out on my kids and husband. But daughters-in-law are often coerced to do housework as if it is their duty to serve their husbands’ whole family. An advice given to me by a friend early on in my marriage was that the first two years of the marriage are the toughest as far as adjusting and settling down for the husband, wife and in-laws on both sides are concerned. Year 1 was very rough, but Alhamdulilah now I’ve adjusted and things are going smooth. Right now she is living at her parents, so maybe she will agree to stay there temporarily until you two can agree on a longterm solution that suits you both, and will not cause disruption in either family. Well the problem is he did not want you to go to your parents on Eid , and you wanted to go to your parents on Eid, a very typical scenario in any marriage, but how far are you willing to go to have it your way, I think both of you have proved your point (to any limit, even if it costs you your marriage). Living with your parents will strip you of your space and privacy, and that can be a psychological burden, especially if you are used to living alone. what should I do? A cultural strangeness also becomes a permanent fixture in such a relationship, especially if the relatives back home do not speak the children’s language fluently. Yes we have to answer Allah and I am sure he will be fair and not send me to Hell for making my own choices. Men and women should discuss in detail their living arrangements before they marry. May Allah SWT ease the sister’s situation. He is the key change-maker in this situation, so please talk to him about this with wisdom and careful choice of words. There is always a way to convince your husband but I say from experience, he will only ever listen to you if he believes you honour, respect and love his parents. Her family, Alhamdullilah, are great parents in law and I really love them, as I do love my wife, but I feel I have a bigger obligation to my own family even if it might cost me healthcare, and other disadvantages. They do not have the right to know the details of your life (you and your husband), and it is not permissible for your husband to tell them of any private or intimate matters between the two of you. Everything I liked was used to keep me ‘engaged’ and everything I did not like was used as guilt trips. 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